Surrender can be a conscious decision or an unconscious one. I fought the good fight long after the war was lost. Eventually I raised the white flag.

“I’m selling the house,” I’m told. “Please don’t … at least for now.” If only for the sake of the girls we achieve a relatively semi-functional co-existence (emphasis on “existence”). And the show goes on. Off stage we go our separate ways. She dedicates herself to crafting jewelry and exploring her new interests in antiques and steam-punk. I work and I pay bills. I take care of my girls. I fix things. In the mornings, I run. In the evenings I occasionally read. I go to sleep early and wake up even earlier. I try to take a zen approach to life by focusing on simple pleasures of my new monastic life. My one selfish splurge – a sleeping bag to make nights on the couch a bit more cozy.

“Do you want to talk … about us?  No?  Are you sure?  Are you sure you’re sure?”  “We” are a subject basically off limits. Early on, I was open and honest about my responsibility. I wore the blame like a brand new suit, apologizing for some things … but not everything. Hadn’t my instincts warned me “something doesn’t feel right” years before?  I almost can’t remember anymore.

One night after a few drinks a revelation. We had had an argument years before our second daughter was born. I wanted another child, but there was an issue with her health. She didn’t like the risk. End of discussion. I firmly believe there’s always a way to make something work, always a way to achieve a goal. Let’s talk about it anyway. Let’s get a second opinion. Let’s …  “No.” The denial reduces me to a petulant child – brooding, sullen and silent. My mood last a day or two. Not my finest hour. It was an incident that changed her attitudes. Love with a capital “L” downshifted to lowercase. It explains so much …

There is a part of me that wants to jump up and say “Ah ha!  I knew it!” But this isn’t a victory. There is no absolution and it doesn’t excuse me. But it does confirm what my heart told me all along. I thank her for finally admitting this. I just wish she’d done it a few years ago.

Close your eyes. See with your heart. The situation may appear the same, but an important detail has changed…  and that can make all the difference later on.

Context is everything because everything is connected.