I’m a sophomore in college and a girl named Dana spends the night in my room.  No sex, just making out, perhaps a little mild groping. Still, it’s the closest thing to a one-night stand I’ve ever experienced. My roommate acts like I’ve just lost my virginity though and promptly announces it to the world. Someone sarcastically mentions they’re surprised, because “you always struck me as asexual.”  Should I laugh or be offended?

I’ve been interested in girls, and later women, for as long as I can remember. I almost always had friends who were girls (as opposed to girl friends): Sarah Goddard with the golden curly hair in the 5th grade, Ona Wang – the smartest girl in Jr. High – in 7th,  Alison – who was taller than I was –  in 8th grade, and Tracy D., who later tried to get me to join the army with her. “We can go to Germany … together” she urged.

High school was single-sex parochial purgatory. No girls means bonding with the guys, many of whom will become lifelong friends. We form a merry band of brothers and fill our days with D&D (nerd alert), video games, horror movies, music, hanging out and later cruising around town, drinking beer and occasionally smoking weed.  I cherish this time, but it’s sadly devoid of female energy. Girls are like herds of deer in the forest; I catch glimpses of them but seldom long enough for any meaningful contact. That I lack the social skills or the courage to approach them doesn’t help.

I’ve got access to a steady supply of alcohol in high school – a blessing. Everything is less dull in the suburbs when you’re 17 and buzzed.  I begin work at a grocery store and for the first time in years I have daily contact with women around my own age.  The first girl that rejects me is a cashier I ask out to a movie.  Another one seems eager.  Monique and I catch “Rambo: First Blood II” on our first date. That’s also the night of my first kiss.  She breaks up with me after her prom the following Spring.  I’m distraught but it’s nothing good friends, loud music and few dozen beers can’t cure.

Life at college consists mostly of classes, studying, and hanging out. I go to parties, join a few organizations and meet people, but never hook up. The few women I’m interested in place me consider me a friend, never a boyfriend. When things finally turn around (once again, liquid courage to the rescue),  I go from one protracted relationship to another with little time or serious consideration about what I really want between.

Smash cut to the current day. I’m apparently asexual again. My inspiration has left me. My libido, asleep for so long and finally unleashed to glorious effect, restlessly paces inside. Internet porn, so ubiquitous, momentarily quenches the cravings, but always leaving me thirsty for the real thing.

Wait.  This wasn’t meant to be about sex …

I’ve lost my train of though, and I’m too tired to re-write and edit it anymore.  I need something …  someone.

Coffee will do for now.